If You Drop, I'll Catch You
by Take Me To My Fragile Dreams
Summary: It was his refusal to tell Magnus when he was needed, it was his stubbornness, his fear of pushing his lover away when he was only trying to bring him closer that made it so easy and so utterly random to fall into that dark pit that was Alec's own personal drop.


"_...Those that are in casual play relationships tend to not have as many drop issues as those in committed reason for this is two-fold. First, casual relationships don't have the same element of intimacy that exists in long term relationships. That's not to say that all casual relationships lack intimacy, but if you've been in a committed relationship for any amount of time you will know the intimacy for which I speak. This intimacy can cause issues with boundaries and love that when the play is over the submissive can question the validity of those feelings. On several occasions I thought, "how could he love me if he did that to me?" Of course it was consensual and boy did I love it at the time, but once the headspace is over, the questions can bring emotions of sadness, questioning and disbelief..."_

* * *

It wasn't Magnus' fault. No not really. And Alec couldn't blame him for having to leave. He would have done the same thing if their positions were switched. He would never leave someone he cared about in need and he would never ask Magnus to do so either, especially when it was something so serious as one of his closest friends being attacked by a demon. Besides, the Shadowhunter had felt perfectly fine, there had been no signs of dropping, no whispering thoughts meant to yank him down into the dark. So it had been with complete confidence that Alec had smiled and told the Warlock to go, that he would be fine for a week or so.

"Are you sure?" Magnus questioned worriedly, brushing his knuckles against his lover's cheek. "I don't want you to end up hurt."

Alec nodded, leaning into the touch with a content sigh. "I'll be fine." He murmured. "Go. Cam needs you."

The Warlock hesitated one last time, green eyes searching blue's for any lie before he leaned forward to brush a kiss to the Shadowhunter's forehead. "If anything happens, anything at all, send me a fire message. I'll be back as soon as possible."

It was doubtful that something so serious would happen but Alec agreed all the same, and before he knew it the door was closing behind his lover and Magnus was gone.

The Shadowhunter didn't know how long he stared after him.

~x~

It wasn't something that he could predict. Somedays he was alright and other days he wasn't. Of course, most days that he wasn't were when Magnus wasn't around but Alec tended to like to ignore this. He refused to cling to his lover like a child. The Warlock had a life, and he would not be the one to take that from him.

This, of course, was half the Shadowhunter's problem.

It was his refusal to tell Magnus when he was needed, it was his stubbornness, his fear of pushing his lover away when he was only trying to bring him closer that made it so easy and so utterly random to fall into that dark pit that was Alec's own personal drop.

(It was also why, after feeling perfectly fine and happy before Magnus had left, that a few hours later he was curled up in their bed, shivering and struggling to ignore the large amount of space now needing filling.)

~x~

"Hey, Meow." Alec greeted hoarsely, body aching as he bent down to pick up the small cat, cuddling him to his chest. "It's just gonna be me and you for the next few days."

Pink ears flattened and the Chairman let out a small hiss.

"Yeah." The Shadowhunter sighed. "I know." He stroked the cat's back, staring vacantly at the door. "I know."

~x~

His body hurt. Every move had his muscles screaming, every breath made the ache in his chest all the more noticeable and by now Alec knew that he was dropping, and hard. It didn't make much sense, Magnus hadn't played with him for three or four days and yet he... He felt like they'd just ended a scene and right after his lover had taken off without a care towards him.

Alec slid down the wall and cried.

~x~

He hadn't had to use his aftercare kit in a long time. Magnus was always around, always watching over him and taking care of him, so he'd had no need. But now... now there was definitely a need.

Alec didn't think he'd be able to stomach food so despite the fact that he knew he shouldn't, he quickly discarded the few snacks tucked into the box and pulled out the old tattered blanket tucked away neatly, wrapping himself in it with a small shudder. He'd had it for as long as he could remember and it always managed to bring some level of comfort to him.

Next was the journal, leather cover soft and worn and pages full of things about his life with his Master. An envelope peeked out from the pages, an elegant scrawl of his name on the front. It was from Magnus, something the Warlock had given him for moments like this, just in case. Alec had read it before, knew the words of love and understanding in it by heart, but the sight of it, being able to read it, knowing that his Master cared... It helped.

~x~

He couldn't stand the marks. This, was what hurt him the most. The bruises on his hips, from long tanned fingers holding him close as he begged for more, for _harder_; the reddened marks trailing down his chest and stomach, made with that sinful mouth; the cuts on his back from long nails... Marks that he had once cherished, things that had made him so happy, proof of his Master's ownership... Alec couldn't even look at them anymore.

He was so confused and angry and _hurt_, his mind a numbing cocktail of emotions that thrashed inside his head, bouncing off the walls of his skull and making his head pound as if he'd been given a handover from it. As if it would wear off in a few hours.

It didn't.

~x~

Alec was so far gone by the time he knew he had to send a message to Magnus that the thought of it sent bitterness singeing through his chest. Because if Magnus really wanted to be there, if he really cared, if he wanted to take care of his pet, if he really meant that much to the Warlock... He would never have left.

The message was more of a letter of hate than anything else, and the Shadowhunter watched it burn.

~x~

When Magnus finally got home Alec was an utter wreck. He was curled up on the couch, staring blankly at the wall as his hands clutched at the collar around his neck, seeking some kind of comfort from the one thing he treasured above everything else. His body was weak, starved of food and a fever burned his cheeks, flushing his pale skin. The skin around his eyes was puffy from tears and his head throbbed with every beat of his heart, the ache in his chest like that of a chasm, in danger of swallowing him up.

He was barely aware of his lover stumbling towards him, calling his name, sounds drifting in and out of his ears. He didn't even flinch when a scarf was wrapped around his head, blocking his vision. However, Magnus' voice did get clearer. There was a pressure on his wrists and the soft sound of buckles being slid into place met Alec's ears. A small tug had his theory proved correct when he found he couldn't move his hands apart, the metal chain of the handcuffs preventing it. Warm arms wrapped around his thin starving and feverish body, and the Shadowhunter shuddered as Magnus' voice finally began to pierce through the fog around him.

"Alec, my pet, come back..."

_Lies_. A voice whispered, sharp with anger. _If he wanted you he would have come long before any of this happened. If he wanted you he wouldn't have left._

"Come back to me, my love. I need you."

_But if you needed me why did you leave? _He thought dejectedly, tears soaking into the soft fabric of the scarf.

"Shhh. It's alright now, pet, it's alright. I'm here now, I'll take care of you."

It was then that Alec realized he was whimpering, loud pitiful sounds that begged his lover not to leave and tugged at Magnus' heartstrings. Sobs joined in shortly after those words were uttered and the Shadowhunter trembled in his Warlock's arms.

"That's it." Magnus crooned, stroking his lover's back. "Let it out, I've got you, my pet. Master's got you, you're safe..."

"Ma-Master-" Alec repeated, almost like a question, breath hitching in his chest.

"Master." Magnus confirmed, holding the smaller male close.

The Shadowhunter broke.

~x~

"When was the last time you ate?" Magnus questioned, watching in concern as his lover devoured the soup in front of him greedily.

"I..." Alec flinched, ducking his head. "Monday?"

"You haven't eaten since I left?" Green eyes widened in horror as he stared at his Shadowhunter, a hand reaching out to brush against Alec's flushed cheek. "What about water?" The smaller male's silence spoke volumes. "God, Alec..." Magnus breathed, tugging his lover close. "I'm never leaving you alone again."

And that, Alec found, was fine with him.


End file.
